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CALGARY, ALBERTA, CANADA
***UPDATED DAILY (IF THE EDITOR IS ON THE WAGON)***

Friday, November 05, 2004

Underestimating the intelligence of the American people - Why did Sam Slick Sr., MMS vote for Bush?

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people.

We phoned our correspondent, Sam Slick, first thing Wednesday morning. Sam had driven up to Lakeland, Florida (right in the middle of Florida's I-4 corridor) early this morning to visit his dad, Sam Slick Sr.

Bob Edwards: Were you wrong about Florida but what Sam. And Ohio. What happened?

Sam Jr.: Bob - it was the Fear Factor. And the Jesus Factor. And the Mencken factor. And the TV factor.

Bob Edwards: Well explain, Sam.

Sam Jr.: Well, I'll ask my dad. Dad would you go on the line. This is the big paper I work for up in Canada. They're worried about our election. Dad, can I interview you?

Sam Sr.: Sure son. And Mr. Edwards, I thank you and God thanks you for givin' my son a job and makin' him famous. My son tells me that you're the Canada's answer to the New York Times only bigger.

Sam Jr.: Dad let's get a little background. Tell the Eye Opener who you are, what you do, etc.

Sam Sr.: Well, I'm from New England, back to my great-great-great-great-grandpa my family all made wooden clocks - you couldn't tell they were wood and by the time you found out my family were long gone - and when things got too hot for them - they went up to Nova Scotia in your neck of the woods. My dad moved up to selling vacuum cleaners. And I followed in his footsteps - till on a doorstep in Levittown, New York I met the Missus in Levittown New York. The Missus got me to get educated. So I've went and got a masters degree from PIMS. I really moved up - became an executive, got inta real estate - I had thousands of people under me. Then I retired from that. And now I'm running an assisted care facility down here. And I've got the pablum franchise for Central Florida. And life is good. And boy, that Pablum, you can water it down real good, son. And boy, you can water down the milk real good too. And boy are the profits good. And son, it's the land of watered down milk and ...

Bob Edwards: Now, being a modest parrrson, I've got to admit, I've never heard of PIMS. Is it an Ivy League school? Are you in the gynecology business?

Sam Sr.: Kind of - and I nearly went into plastic surgery - PIMS is probably the best post-secondary institution in America and, of course, the world.

Bob Edwards: Well what does PIMS stand for?

Sam Sr.: The Pittsburgh Institute of Mortuary Science.

Bob Edwards: And what wos the name of yerrr company.

Sam Sr.: Jesus's Acres Memorial Gardens

Bob Edwards: Is that a grrrave yarrrd?

Sam Sr.: No a Memorial Gardens - calling it the "gy" word would be like calling a home a "house". They taught us Rove's Law at PIMS - "perception is everything".

Bob Edwards: Serrry to affend yer sensibilities.

Sam Jr. : Well Dad, how did you vote?

Sam Sr.: Brother Bush of course.

Sam Jr.: Why would you do that Dad, the man's an idiot - he's a shirker - he's got us into a swamp called Iraq - people hate us all over the world. He's run up a huge debt people my age will have to pay off. People all over the country have lost the jobs Bush's friends send overseas to China and Bangladesh and North Korea.

Sam Sr.: Well, Junior, I chose unemployment, I retired and I won't be around long enough to get hit up for the debt. And I only believe what I see on the TV - gosh son you can't talk back to the Fox Network. And the Fox Network doesn't say anything about us being hated. And ya know there was two clean-cut kids came here yesterday and drove us to the polls - they were kind red-blooded, god-fearing Americans - not many Canadians would do that I bet - and they told us that Jesus had told George Bush that he would and should win the election. It's just like that horse-faced Kerry to contradict Jesus. I bet he doesn't even believe in Jesus - I bet he'd let those homos fool around to their hearts content - I bet he's in favor of a woman having more than one husband - boy, son that scares me and it scares your mom the missus.

Sam Jr.: They were just holy-roller shills Dad - they just wanted you to vote for Bush. Dad you used to be pretty sharp - after all you're a Slick. What would your great-great-great-grandpa think of you getting's sucked in like that Dad - he'd roll in his grave?

Sam Sr.: Son the big thing for yer ma and me is that Bush will keep us safe. If weren't fer him son, why this very minute some mad Arab might be blowing up Lakeland or sawing our heads off with a rusty knife. Safety's the thing, son.

Sam Jr.: Yeh, but Dad, every day, ships deliver 17,000 freight containers to our ports (see Ports to Adopt RFID Security System). Bush's cops inspect less than 2% of them. Terrorists have already been caught sneaking in. They could sneak nuclear bombs in (see Stowaway Terrorists Steal into America by Sea Container). 1.5 million freight cars are spread all over America . And 5 million semi-trailers. Terrorists can pick up weapons right within our airports (see Anne McLellan dead wrong again - Passengers taking off from Calgary International Airport are in real and present danger of being hijacked!!!) could pack nuclear bombs or just fertilizer on any of them, park them outside your house - sorry home - and blow up Lakeland.

Sam Sr.: I sure didn't see any of that on Fox, son. Yer mom and I, son, we're scared of getting killed - these terrorists hate us.

Sam Jr.: Dad, you're 87 years old. Dad - why are you worried about dying? Dad - you're going to die anyway.

Sam Sr.: Well, I guess so - I had thousands of people under me, remember. - I'm a professional in that line of business - that's my business. But, son, Brother Bush makes us feel good - comfortable. We feel safe,son. We feel comfortable.

Bob Edwards: Sam Junior you've shown what the God Factor is and what the Fear Factor is. And the TV Factor. But, what's the Mencken Factor?

Sam Jr.: "Nobody ever went broke ... etc., etc., etc. - but it's lucky this isn't Canada. We've got three Supreme Court Judges to be appointed - if this was Canada - Bush would pack the Supreme Court of the United States with Holy Rollers. George Washington and John Adams and the other great Americans who signed the Constitution knew what Mencken was talking about even before Mencken was born. We have a system of checks and balances. The Senate can stop the President from appointing bad judges. Even though the Republicans control the Senate, Republican senators are not trained seals.



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