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The Calgary Eye Opener
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Monday, October 26, 2020
   
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CanWest Global flunks its own Canada history quiz U.S. President Barak Obama has branded him a corporate welfare bum --- town gossips claim he is a trillionaire --- the Old Timer lives in subsidized housing and spends his days dumpster diving
Chief Crowfoot trashes the Department of Indian Affairs Back in 1877, Crowfoot was the leader of the Blackfoot --- the most feared native tribe in western North America.
'Irrational exuberance', Alan Greenspan and the Chinese stock market by Adam Smith, the Eye Opener's economic expert
Should killer's father be quarantined? An Irish lawyer and speechifier and stretcher extraordinaire --- the best orator in North America
China 'harvesting' organs from living human beings by SCOOP, the Eye Opener's Ace Contrarian, Reporter, Opinionator
How Holy is the Fraser Institute - The Manning/Tysick CyberDebate
Local preachers ran him and his Eye Opener newspapers out of Wetaskiwin and, in turn, Strathcona and High River for "expressing contrary opinions, drinking and hootin' and yellin'and generally disturbing' the Gospel". He arrived in Calgary and the paper became The Calgary Eye Opener in 1904

25-Dec-06 -
As has been his wont for these last 135 years, the Editor, being, if the truth be known, of a rather agnostic turn of mind, retired to the longest bar in the West on December 7 and has just now emerged. His head is much apounding, his stomach and bowels much overflowing. And ridden with guilt is he for the 135th time not to have provided to his readers a Christmas story of the quality of say O' Henry's Gift of the Magi or Dickens's Christmas Carol. Neither is this pitiful product of serial agnosticism catalyzed by alcohol. The best this Editor can devise is to refer his readers to the works of an author more ridden by agnosticism and cynicism than himself, Mencken's 1941 New Yorker story, A Bum's Christmas. In fact Mencken stole the idea from the Senator and this Editor, oh, 90 years ago - A Bum's Christmas actually took place right here at the Alberta Hotel, right here in Calgary the Christmas of '07 (1907) this Editor thinks it was. More on that next Christmas (the Centennial of the original Bum's Calgary Christmas).

What did the "Bums" of 1907 want for Christmas? In the words of Mencken, liberally transcribed from Mencken's interview with the Senator on December 25, 1916 (Mencken was home on leave from his role as an embedded war correspondent with the Kaiser's forces in Belgium):

First and foremost, they wanted as much malt liquor as they would buy themselves if they had the means to buy it. Second, they wanted a dinner that went on in rhythmic waves, all day and all night, until the hungriest and hollowest bum was reduced to breathing with not more than one cylinder of one lung. Third, they wanted not a mere sufficiency but a riotous superfluity of the best five-cent cigars on sale on [Stephen Avenue]. Fourth, they wanted continuous entertainment, both theatrical and musical, of a sort in consonance with their natural tastes and their station in life. Fifth and last, they wanted complete freedom from evangelical harassment of whatever sort, before, during, and after the secular ceremonies.

 

What do today's "Bums" (roughly in 1906 terms "Homeless") want for Xmas? All of the above and add the following:
  • For the addicted among them, low cost legalized drugs unimpaired by drug dealers or do-gooders or government taxes
  • For the vagabonds among them - those who hate solid roofs over their heads - snug warm tents and a platoon of boy scout masters to teach them how to live out-of-doors and a camp city, administered firmly but fairly by their own kind, another Dignity Village Tent City operated successfully and happily, as far as we know, in Portland, Oregon
  • For the schizophrenics among them, a safe warm place to live unencumbered by Freud, Jung and theorists of any ilk
  • A Guaranteed Annual Income of $2,000 per month uninhibited by bureaucrats or red tape or the Fraser Institute or social conservatism - a Guaranteed Annual Income as prescribed by the darling of the Fraser Institute himself, Milton Friedman, under the cover of the moniker "Reverse Income Tax"
  • For this cold December, that old can-doer, Jimmy Pattison, to deliver each soul among from the cold and wet (see our story of October 26)
  • For added entertainment, What would Christ Think of the Fraser Institute?, a debate between Victoria Open Door's Reverend Al Tysick and the Fraser Institute's SuperHolyMan Preston (the "Deacon") Manning .
On that last wish, the Eye Opener will assist - the Eye Opener is inviting Tysick and Manning to a new CyberDebate on Christ and the Fraser Institute.
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