Well, yesterday, Bob stormed into
the bar mighty disconcertled. He tried to show me a couple of letters --- but
I can't read --- readin's no good for bartendin' --- so he read 'em out to me:
August 1, 2010 (55 A.G. [after the birth of Gates])
The Calgary Eye Opener
If Ford had kept up with technology
like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got
1,000 miles to the gallon.
William H. Gates III, retired
August 2, 2010 (147 A.F. [after the birth of Ford])
The Calgary Eye Opener
Sure enough, if Ford had Microsoft
technology Joe Consumer's car would crash, regularly, twice a day.
I am your most faithful servant
Henry Ford I, eternal
Ya don't want this kinda' confligration
goin' on --- next thing that's gonna' happen why consumers'll stop consumin'
--- there'll be deflation --- prices'll go down --- the fat cats'll make less
money --- even less'll trickle down to Mr. and Mrs. America --- It'll destroy
the economy --- the world'll go to hell --- this could be the Berlin Wall of
capitalism and Christianity --- Oh the humanity of it!!!!!
So I lassoed both of 'em and herded
'em down to the Long Bar at the Alberta Hotel and poured each one a stiff triple
of Glen Parker single malt. But neither one'll drink --- I guess old Henry got
inta' too much cheap booze one time --- and tried to get to know the family
baby sitter in the Biblical sense. I don't know why Bill doesn't drink --- he
might as well because --- after he retired Microsoft's been run like Peter McGonigle
was runnin' it --- dead drunk --- of course --- like he always is.
If liquor won't solve the problem,
I figured --- I better hear em' out and than meditate the matter and get 'em
to agree on something --- doesn't have to be a lot --- just as long as they
ain't perceived as bein' at each other's throats --- cause appearances are everything
--- like my old teacher Dr. Goebbels used ta' say --- "perception is reality".
Anyway, I had ta' call the bouncers in a couple of times --- but as time went
on here's what transpirated between the two of 'em:
that'd sure cut down on the pricy highways and shopping centres your cars
have spread all over the planet.
but every time the contractors repainted the lines on the highways or parking
lots, folks'd have to buy a new car.
what about all the repairs ---- car repairs --- that's a racket --- and the Ford Motor
Company is the worst scam artist in the business.
if Microsoft was making a car, when it died on the freeway --- which it would
at least two times a day ---, Microsoft would have replaced the oil, water
temperature, and alternator warning lights with a single 'This Vehicle
Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light --- you'd have
to roll up all the windows, you'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn
the engine off--- you'd try to crank up the engine (probably with an old Model
T hand crank) and, when and if you finally got it started, all you could do
would be to hope for the best. And, when all else failed, you'd call 'customer
service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language
how to fix your car yourself!!!!
At the Ford Motor Company we don't
have a monopoly like Microsoft does --- don't think I haven't salivated over
the thought of it --- But, as it is with that god-damned competition, if there
were too many repairs on Ford cars too often, why Mr. and Mrs. America would
buy from someone else. If Ford had a Microsoft-type monopoly, Mr. and Mrs.
would simply accept it all --- there'd be no other brand of car to buy. Every
time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive
all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner
as the old car --- and, of course, Ford'd own all the driving schools.
least there'd be more than one color of car. Do you remember, Uncle Henry, when
you told Mr. and Mrs. America that they could have any color of car they liked
so long as it was black. And we do have competition you know.
you call 5% of the market "competition" --- Macintosh --- they have
a tiny bit of the market. Sure Macintosh would make a car that was powered
by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -
but would run on only five percent of the roads because the competition's
product wouldn't be allowed on Microsoft's roads.
It wounds me to the cockles of my
heart to see capitalists --- and dignitaries at that --- both of these worthies
were my heroes --- I knew somethin' had to be done. I'm an expert in dispute
restoration --- picked it up in my 150 years of bartending. So I knew that,
to bring an end to these gut-wrenching hostilities, I had to find a common interest
that the two of 'em had.
So I asked 'em "If you had your
druthers what would ya like the world to look like?"
"I'd have no competition ---
everyone else would but not me," each of them hollered --- each faster
than the other.
"Why can't ya get rid of the
Before I could finish the question
they answered it: "Government regulation --- that's what."
know how to do that --- all ya' have to do is hire National Public Relations, Canada's biggest propaganda agency --- where my buddy Joe Goebbels works ---
Joe'd do much better in the States but he finds Canada a lot more welcoming"
knew Joe (Uncle Henry used to work with him) and thought that was a great idea
and we got Joe over and he recommended that Bill and Uncle Henry should put
together a full-blown conspiracy to get rid of communist bad-guy anti-monopoly
regulations like the Sherman Anti-Trust Act and the Competition Act of Canada
--- Joe called it a campaign to "create free markets" and "let
the market decide" and "for freedom" and "for democracy"
and "libertarianism". And the two loved the idea so much they left
the Long Bar kissy-facin'.