Well, things is goin' pretty good on the left coast out here in Victoria ---
you'll ask -- now that the winter's over ain't I missin' the old PC --- am I
Well if I was up island in Duncan, I'd miss the wind. But here on the Straits
I get all the wind I want --- as good as the Pincher or better.
I finally threw my ethnics to the wind and moved in with the prof. My pappy
brought me up to live by the Book --- Deuteronomy 301 says that "until
you get hitched, it's total abstinence". Well you'll ask how come I never
done that before for all my other 15 weddings. Well, don't ask. When I got to
Victoria, I was down and broke --- all the dust in my poke was a gone. And my
libido was botherin' me. The prof was the first gal I met in Victoria and, as
my old buddy, Mack the Knife, used to say --- "Early wins every time."
The prof - true enuff' is kinda' hard on the eyes but --- with the lites out
she appeals to the what they call the kinky part of me. She ain't a rich widder
sure enough but she's a prof of Victim Studies, in Roman its called a "Victimologist",
and she earns $300,000 a year for "teachin'" and book royalties to
boot because, every year, she "writes" a 500 page text book about
all Canada's victims --- all 35 million of 'em. You can't pass her classes unless
you buy her book. Its sells for $500 a copy and ya' better have a copy when
ya' come into her classes --- the University's payin' unionized security guards
--- graduated up from parking kops --- to check every student at the door. What
about goin' and buyin' a used book --- can't do it --- she changes the content
every year --- every year she sends her students out on the street with audio
recorders to round up a new group of victims --- she tells 'em to pick the scruffiest
and dirtiest --- but if they're beggin' don't give 'em any money cause she can't
afford it. Then they puts the recordings through a half-ass voice recognition
program --- no one can understand the result but its no worse than if you were
reading sociology jargon --- and, anyway, she says that, according to the Constitution
of the Society of British Columbia Victimologists, it'd be a gross breach of
their ethnics if she edited the thing --- it wud be stealing the meaning from
them that spoke the words and to make 'em worse victims still --- and she gets
a $200,000 research grant for this project who's purpose is to eradicate victims
from the universe --- not the victims themselves but what she calls the concert
--- and she then dumps all the output from word recognition into her new edition
of her text ---. Of course the texts are printed courtesy of the university
--- that's one of her academic perks. She's got it made as far as I'm concerned.
Who pays the piper calls the tune --- and that's about it with me. So I'm more
or less relegated to a toy boy and a gofer. When she has her buddies over for
organic Soviet vodka and juiced brussels sprouts (called Agitprop) and organic
goat cheese on bannock made from organic lentils --- it's "Gabby will take
your hoodie and hang it up in the closet" ... "Gabby'll pour you
another Agitprop. Without telling me first ... "Me and Gabby are going
to the Afghan Riviera". And that gives her a sense of power and as his
Lordship Lord Acton said:
"All power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely.."
---- by being able to boss me around (they call it bullying --- but you can't
call a victim's rights prof a bully --- that's a natural oxyimbecility) ---
she's come to be addicted to power and now she's wantin' to go on to bigger
and better things. Once the NDPers get back in here in B.C. --- which they will
in 2013 --- cause Gordon ("Old Trickle Down") Campbell is just payin'
off what he owes the fat cats who paid for his campaigns --- and then he'll
head out of town --- to bigger and better things --- maybe he'll become head
honcho lobbyist for BP Oil. Anyway once the lefties get in, the prof's makin'
a serious assault to be top dog and Chairman of the British Columbia Human Rights
Commission --- you'd think they'd call it "Chairperson" but she don't
want it changed. That pays $1,000,000 a year plus perks --- but better still
--- you can arrest people --- garnishee them --- jail them --- and if she had
her druthers --- you could hang them and draw and quarter them. But she didn't
have a campaign strategy --- victim profs ain't much good at strategy and she
was getting mighty frustrated and lossin' her self esteem and, worse still,
loosin' her libido.
Well one Sunday morning a few weeks ago the prof and I was in the sack and
thinkin' of gettin' up early so we turned on the radio about 11 am. When on comes
Enright of the CBC's Sunday Edition.
"Canadians are doing a pretty good job of protecting people from discrimination
and victimhood. Criticizing someone for being a terrorist or a wife-beater
is unacceptable. '18-year-old juvenile deliquent' and 'fishermen' are equally
unacceptable. Civilized people talk about 'challenged youth' and 'fishers'.
One guy you don't mention around the prof is George
Orwell cause he had a lot to say about using language the wrong way but,
accordin' to the prof he's just a dead white man who doesn't use enough big
words. But, on the other hand, Michael Enright --- the prof thinks he's real
handsome and as heavy a thinker as ya' ever heard of --- full of lots of big
words said through his adenoids.
But says En right:
"There's one group totally unprotected ... people laugh and deride
them ... who do you think they are?" "Englishmen?" I thought.
"No the morbidly obese!!! It's perfectly acceptable to call a obesly
challenged person ... why ...'fat' and to laugh at 'fat' people and make jokes about them and have them as the butt of T.V. shows." And
Enright went on to explain what a morbidly obese person is: it's based on
Body Mass Index (BMI) which is lb * 703 / in2 which
you get by multiplying your weight in pounds by 703 and dividing by your height
in inches and dividing again by your height in inches. And here's how obesity
class I obesity
class II obesity
Now Paddy Nowlan is 6 foot 3 and weights in at 350 lbs. So his BMI is 43.74222222
which I think is what Enright calls morbidly obese. But Paddy don't act like a
victim. The prof is also 6 foot 3 but weighs in at 95 pounds. So her BMI is
11.87288889. So she is underweight --- if "they" gives up making fun
of the fat people I hope "they" don't go after underweights.
As I say, I was real concerned about the prof's lack of libido and my too much
of libido. Necessity is the mother of invention I always says. "Hey Love
of My Life ... make your campaign around gettin' rid of the word 'fat'."
says I. Boy did that strike a bell. Within seconds she could see the campaign
--- it'd be better than Willy Woodenshoes campaign against the HST with lots
of ugly signs and lots of chants led by her pal "Bare Belly". It wouldn't
be long before the CBC's Shelagh
Rogers --- will be on it --- Shelagh loves a new victim more than anything
else in this world . Once the CBC starts beatin' a victim drum --- things are
going to snow-ball I know it. And the prof would take full credit for it ---
she's real good at doing that. The Chairmanship would be a cinch. Right then power
and entiltlement surged into her veins and elsewhere. And, as Henry
Kissinger said, "Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac." That turned
into quite a Sunday.