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The Calgary Eye Opener Friday, October 23, 2020
!%@From the Long Bar at the Alberta Hotel@%!
A bribemaster - par excellence - chips in
by Fly-on-the-wall on location
From the south end of one a' Johnny Ware's longhorn steers headed north
Dick Pound
13-Nov-07 - I'll sum it up this way ma friends - therrre's a moral to the stirrry - booth for Harper - in his dealins with Mulroney - and forrr Mulroney - in his dealins with Schreiber. And the morrral - ir - the lesson if ya' wanna call it that - is this - 'Don't - neverrrr - get in a urrrrinatin' contest with a skunk'
I've told ya' how much I love tonterias - specially Johnny Ware Longhorn Tonterias. But I like to start with a gourmet horse duver (no pun - to be sure cause mine has to be not from horses - no - mine's only from the north ends of bulls headed south) - my favorite horse duver is bulroney on toast - called Brian Bulroney Boloney - but - these days with Brian Bulroney gallivanting globally - and apen' his betters like the Bushes - and gettin' bossed around by Ms. Barbie Bush - and tryin' to get Lord Crowbar a pardon from Bush Minor - and singin' and dancin' and thinkin' up 'is memories and not havin' much time for us lesser beins - and all - why I don't see 'im much - or even hear 'im - why the last few years I ain't got to savour much Bulroney Boloney. But now - with all the sound and fury over this Schruber guy - hey my good angel whispered in my ear that 'is name ain't that but is Karlhienz Schreiber - them Krauts sure have funny names. Anyway - without prompting - I knew they'rd be bulroney a plenty over at the Alberta Hotel so I flew meself up high on the wall of the Long Bar.. And here's what I heard:

I have ta' tell 'ya, Paddy, that Stevie Harper (as Bush Minor calls 'im) reads the Calgary Eye Opener a four every morning. But I cannau figger why he ignorrred - tootally - our advice given - why Feb 17 a' 'ought 6 (CLICK HERE TO READ OUR STORY OF FEB 17/ 2006).

Mulroney's sin, old Bob, wasn't that he took bribes - he sinned in gettin' caught Bob.

Yer reekin', Paddy - yer reekin' of Irish cynicism.

Well, Mr. Bob - sure - here's what Bulroney's old assistant, Norman Spector, said in the Globe today:

[in former prime minister Paul Martin Minor's time, the Liberals were rumoured to have made a deal with Harper's Tories] - "agreed not to ask questions about the [Schreiber bribing Mulroney] affair in the House of Commons if the Conservatives stayed mum on Paul Martin's skeletons ... "

A rumour, Paddy - a rumour - only a rumour besmirching a great Canadian.

Whoa - me man Bob - ya' mean da ya' Martin Minor. Martin Minor a great Canuck yer sayin'?

And, Mr. Bob, how about Harper's now failed "honour among thieves" defense. Only a week ago, Stevie - who's supposed to be clean as a husky's tooth - threatened the poor beaten, haggard Liberals with a cynicism not so veiled:

"This (an inquiry into the Mulroney bribes) is not a route I would want to go down ... I think if the Liberal party thought twice about it, it is a power they would not want to give to me ... would the Liberal party, for instance, like me to launch an inquiry into Mr. Chretien's interests in various golf courses or hotels and the actions of the federal Business Development Bank? Would the Liberal party like me to have an inquiry on Canada Steamship Lines and decisions that may or may not have been made by the federal Department of Finance?"

Chretien forced the Business Development Bank to use taxpayers' money - your money and mine Bob -

Speak for yourself Paddy - drunks like me don't pay taxes.

It ain't "don't" it's "won't" Bob. What I'm gettin' at though is that Mulroney ain't alone in the on-the-take department. Chretien forced the Canadian Federal Development Bank owned by the long-sufferin' Canadian taxpayer - your bank and my bank Bob - forced the Bank to loan money to Chretien hisself to build Jean Chretien a golf course. And I don't know if you ever paid taxes, Bob. But Martin Minor didn't - he moved the headquarters of Canada Steamship Lines - after - with taxpayers money - yer's and mine - with ye ole' Canadian silver spoon - Pierre Trudeau fed the shipping line ta Martin Minor free - and what'd Martin Minor do in return for ya' and me, Bob - why he moved the headquarters of the steamship line to Barbados so he, Martin Minor, wouldn't have to pay taxes. That's when Martin Minor was Minister of Finance of Canada and wanned-a-be Primo Ministerio.

It's in our culture, Bob. George Washington, the father of the United States never even told a lie. John A. Macdonald, the father of Canada, was a notorious bribe monger. Lord Strathcona - you kna 'im, Bob. Lord Strathcona raised so much Hell 'bout Sir John A. takin' a bribe from the Canadian Pacific Railway back in 1873 - that Sir John A. was kicked out as PM. But Canadians forgot and forgave and Sir John A. was back only 5 years later. And who comes by with a big bribe fer Sir John, Bob. Why Lord Strath 'a course. So Sir John gave Lord Strath tons of dough to take over the CPR.

Tell me Paddy - tell this pooor journalist - yur a great judge of human nature. Why'd he do it, Paddy ... why'd Mulroney do it .... ???

In ta' the bar bursts Peter J. McGonigle - editor of the Midnapore Gazette - The Calgary Eye Opener's deathly rival - sportin' in his hand - right off the press - the latest Gazette -

Didn't you ta' get it wrong though - both of ya' - he's proved he didn't do it - hisself - Mulroney hisself - wired this press release to the Gazette - here it is - right here - called for an inquiry - sure he wouldn't ask fer an inquiry that if he wis guilty - he's as innocent as a new born he is - and you guys have egg on yer faces - 'cause ya both assumed he wis guilty - before he was proven sich.Ya didn't even put an "if" ta' it like O.J. Simpson - ya' didn't even say "if he done it". Shame on ya' both an' I hope he - and His Excellent and Most Honourable Lordship Lord Black sues 'ya and all yer' issue and spouses and progenitors and meestresses ...

To which Bob was tongue tied and could only spout:

To quote a countryman of mine, Sir Walter Scott ... ' oh what a tangled web we weave.

And Paddy, for once - you could tell by lookin' at his tiny mouth that his tongue was into a bowline knot. And he could barely expediate in the immortal words of James Joyce:

Plot ... thicken ... thicken plot ... plot ... plot thicken.

Bob, being a Scot regains his sang fred.

Let's look upon this disaster - fer if Mulroney sues the Calgary Eye Opener what's gone to happen to global free speech. Let's look cloosley man an' see if we kin bring sim comtox to the sitatn'. Before retirin' Mulroney meets with the greatest bribe monger ever - Karlheinz has bribed the toppest - he did - he brought the German Chancellor Helmut Kohl down - then - within weeks - Karlheinz delivers to Mulroney - in a hotel room - delivers $100,000 to him - in a brown paper bag. Does it agin' two more times. Under oath - to collect $ 2.1 million from the Canadian government - from you Paddy - it was from you as taxpayer - not from McGonigle - like Mulroney he don't declare taxes - and not from me - I'm broke.

"So what," yells McGonigle.

Yer' a cynic ya' bloody Scotchman and a coonspiricy theerist.

Says Bob, cooly:

Mulroney is put under oath - swears on a bible - says he never had anythin' ta do with yoooor bribery expert - Karlheinz - other than two cups of coffee. Then - just recently - he admits he did get the $300,000 in cash in brown paper bags. And admits Karlheinz called him "Brian" and he called Karlheinz "Karlheinz". Then he makes up his memories and publishes them - and says nothin about Schreiber. And at some time along the way everybody agrees that Karlheinz paid the $300,000 from a bank account in Switzerland code namedBritan. And where did the money come from? To get Air Canada to buy Airbus aircraft, Airbus set up a $20 million bribery fund with Karheinz. Karlheinz set aside $300,000 in a secret Swiss bank account code-named "Britan". And under Brian Mulroney, who controlled Air Canada, Airbus got a contract to sell some airplanes to Air Canada for $1.8 billion. And from whence did the $300,000 Karlheinz paid to Mulroney, via brown paper bags, come from. Why from the secret "Bitan" account of course. And did Brian Mulroney declare the $300,000 to the income tax department. Yes - but not till years later when he knew the taxman'd be after 'm if he didn't. By doin' that he admitted he got the money. It's no conspiricy, McGonigle, ya' great journalist ya', jist a coooincidence, McGoonigle. Jist ta' shuyt ya' up, McGonigle, I'll use the O.J. conditional when I talk about it - I'll change the question I, before being so rudely interrupted by you, ya' brute, asked Paddy ta' read:

'Paddy, if he doone it, why'd he doo it?'

Paddy walked over and shook the hand of the biggest set of old Scot beetle brows I've ever seen in my life - capped by a lengthy stove-pipe hat. To shake Bob's hand the old Scot had to remove his arm from tight around the waste of the Lady Who's Known as Lou - his other hand was taken up with a rusty old sledge hammer. And Bob introduced him as Donald Smith, aka Lord Strathcona. Bob said the sledge hammer was the one His Excellency used to pound in the last spike of the Canadian Pacific Railway in 1885 at Craigellachie, British Columbia - his brother-in-law, George Steven, the President of the Railway got to name Craigellachie, after Steven's home town in Scotland. Bob said Strathcona himself'd been chairman and in-charge-of-hanky-panky for the Railway back in 1885.

If he did it, Your Lordship, why da ya think this fellow Irishman of mine - why da' ya' think he did it - took a bribe.

Said his Lordship his long beard and eyebrows as motionless as the day he drove the spike:

An me too - I start all ma remarks with "IF HE DOON IT" - I've worked too harrrd and dooon too many things to be sued by soom upstart Irishmun and loose all my material gooods an end up back in slums of Glasca or sooom barrrren shur in Labradooor. IF HE DOON IT, handin' oot bribe's noot uncoomon in Canada nur is the takin' thereof. The prooblem lies with the fact that 95% of all politicians are lousy money-managers. Their own and the taxpayers. Moost politicians wanna be loved - whether it's because their moother didn't love 'im or it's in their genes I do not knowww but that's the way the errrr - 95% a them. So 95% a them are broooke - always. So Mulroney's pay at $210,000 per year wooosn't nearly enough to keep 'im in the manner to which he'd grown accoostomed when he was a politico big shot and hobnobbed with all th ooother big shots, tycoons and looobyists. And, in 1993, IF HE DOOON IT, why, as he's leavin' or being kicked out by the voters - IF HE DOOON IT - he finds himsilf broooke - and - IF HE DOOON IT - he panics - which is another trait moost politicos have. So - IF HE DOOON IT - he goes not to wise counsel - like a Scot like me - he goes to Fred Doucet and Frank Moores who are shady operators - and they bring in Schreiber. That's the kinda thing that happened with Sir John A. when I bribed him in 1885 and when Sir Hugh Allan bribed him in 1873. That's what happened to Chump Klein and his she-who-must-be-obeyed wif when Big Mike Lobsinger bribed them back in the 1990s. Most politicians can be bribed - I even bribed Riel in 1870 to get 'im to surrender - it was na' supposed to look like a surrender - but it was. Mind ya - the Roman Catholic Church bribed him better - promised to kipp 'im out of the eternaal Hellfire.

Strathcona stretched his beetle brow over to Chief Crowfoot.

And Chief, admit it, we bribed you with a railway pass to sign Treaty #7 to give the West away to us whitemen..

To my everlasting dishonour. My people were bribed too with food - to make me sign Treaty 7 - with food - we were all starving in the fall of '77.

The Bush family - on the other hand - bribery is genetic in that family - they have no morals. I don't think the same can be said for Brian Mulroney. I see Mulroney as a decent moon who fell amoong thivs.

Then Bob piped in:

But -IF HE DOOON IT - it wasna' the first time - Mulroney and Karlheinz Schreiber. Karlheinz got 'im the leadership of the Tory party in 1983 - Karlheinz stacked the Tory convention in Winnipeg by flyin' in delegats from Montreal - Karlheinz dethroned Joe Clark for him.

Paddy had to barge in with:

That was fortunate. At least Mulroney has some brains. That's what they call the law of unintended consequences what Karlheinz did in 1983 had unintended good consequences..

Strathcona slung he sledge over his shoulder, downed a bracer of Glen Parker Scotch Whiskey and terrrminnnated his presence as follows::

But I'll sum it up this way ma friends - therrre's a moral to the stirrry - booth for Harper - in his dealins with Mulroney - and forrr Mulroney - in his dealins with Schreiber. And the morrral - ir - the lesson if ya' wanna call it that - is this - 'Don't - neverrrr - get in a urrrrinatin' contest with a skunk'. I've impirtant bisness to do befir I sleep gentlemen, so I'll bid ya' ado.

Hand-in-hand His Lordship and Lou headed upstairs.

Paddy looked very lawyerlike - you'd almost think he was defendin' Mulroney:

Let him who has nut sinned - let 'im throw the first stone. Come here man - it was long ago - cut yer man some slack - lookit the good he doon:

  • he brought us free trade - and that's deadly good for us here in Calgary - and no one else coulda' done it
  • he abolished apartheid in South Africa - and that's a deadly good and decent thing - and no one else coulda' done it
  • come here - ya know the most decent thing he did - no one else had the guts to do it - stood up to the Federal bureaucrats (even to this day they haven't given Mrs. Joyce Milgaard an Order of Canada) - and got the Milgaard case reopened - no one else had the deadly guts - no one else coulda' done it.

Come here, Bob, give yer man a break.

Mulroney's big problem, Paddy, was that his overriding ambition was to be yer' quintessential big shot. And he loved flauntin' it. And Mr. and Mrs. Canada hated him fer it. But Paddy - corruption'l destroy us if we donna stand up to it, Paddy. And that requires leadership - what we need is a leader like Peter Lougheed - in the early eighties - he told all a' his people - not ta' have a thing ta' do with Schreiber - the man, Lougheed said, stunk like a skunk and was one, Paddy. Compare that ta' Chump Klein and his missis - a pooor, pooor copy a' Schreiber - Big Mike Lobsinger - bribed the Hell outa' 'em Paddy. If our politicians - like Harper dither and stonewall - don't put a stop to chump corruption, Paddy - we'll lose all we got in this great country. That's it - I gotta ga' I ha a paper ta' publish.

And I an innocent client ta get off. Best a' the day ta' ya.

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