But I like to start with a gourmet horse duver (no pun - to be sure cause mine
has to be not from horses - no - mine's only from the north ends of bulls headed south) - my favorite horse duver is bulroney on toast
- called Brian Bulroney Boloney - but - these days with Brian Bulroney gallivanting
globally - and apen' his betters like the Bushes - and gettin' bossed around
by Ms. Barbie Bush - and tryin' to get Lord Crowbar a pardon from Bush Minor
- and singin' and dancin' and thinkin' up 'is memories and not havin' much time
for us lesser beins - and all - why I don't see 'im much - or even hear 'im
- why the last few years I ain't got to savour much Bulroney Boloney. But now
- with all the sound and fury over this Schruber guy - hey my good angel whispered
in my ear that 'is name ain't that but is Karlhienz Schreiber - them Krauts
sure have funny names. Anyway - without prompting - I knew they'rd be bulroney
a plenty over at the
And here's what I heard:
I have ta' tell 'ya, Paddy, that Stevie Harper (as Bush Minor
calls 'im) reads the Calgary Eye Opener a four every morning. But I cannau
figger why he ignorrred - tootally - our advice given - why Feb 17 a' 'ought
HERE TO READ OUR STORY OF FEB 17/ 2006).
Mulroney's sin, old Bob, wasn't that he took bribes - he sinned
in gettin' caught Bob.
Yer reekin', Paddy - yer reekin' of Irish cynicism.
Well, Mr. Bob - sure - here's what Bulroney's old assistant,
Norman Spector, said in the Globe today:
[in former prime minister Paul Martin Minor's time, the Liberals
were rumoured to have made a deal with Harper's Tories] - "agreed not to
ask questions about the [Schreiber bribing Mulroney] affair in the House
of Commons if the Conservatives stayed mum on Paul Martin's skeletons ...
A rumour, Paddy - a rumour - only a rumour besmirching a great
Whoa - me man Bob - ya' mean da ya' Martin Minor. Martin Minor
a great Canuck yer sayin'?
And, Mr. Bob, how about Harper's now failed "honour among
thieves" defense. Only a week ago, Stevie - who's supposed to be clean
as a husky's tooth - threatened the poor beaten, haggard Liberals with a cynicism
not so veiled:
"This (an inquiry into the Mulroney
bribes) is not a route I would want to go down ... I think if the Liberal
party thought twice about it, it is a power they would not want to give
to me ... would the Liberal party, for instance, like me to launch an
inquiry into Mr. Chretien's interests in various golf courses or hotels
and the actions of the federal Business Development Bank? Would the Liberal
party like me to have an inquiry on Canada Steamship Lines and decisions
that may or may not have been made by the federal Department of Finance?"
Chretien forced the Business Development Bank to use taxpayers'
money - your money and mine Bob -
Speak for yourself Paddy - drunks like me don't pay taxes.
It ain't "don't" it's "won't" Bob. What I'm
gettin' at though is that Mulroney ain't alone in the on-the-take department.
Chretien forced the Canadian Federal Development Bank owned by the long-sufferin'
Canadian taxpayer - your bank and my bank Bob - forced the Bank to loan money
to Chretien hisself to build Jean Chretien a golf course. And I don't know
if you ever paid taxes, Bob. But Martin Minor didn't - he moved the headquarters
of Canada Steamship Lines - after - with taxpayers money - yer's and mine - with ye ole' Canadian silver spoon - Pierre Trudeau
fed the shipping line ta Martin Minor free - and what'd Martin Minor do in return for ya' and me, Bob - why he moved the headquarters of the steamship line
to Barbados so he, Martin Minor, wouldn't have to pay taxes. That's when Martin
Minor was Minister of Finance of Canada and wanned-a-be Primo Ministerio.
It's in our culture, Bob. George Washington, the father of the
United States never even told a lie. John A. Macdonald, the father of Canada,
was a notorious bribe monger. Lord Strathcona - you kna 'im, Bob. Lord Strathcona
raised so much Hell 'bout Sir John A. takin' a bribe from the Canadian Pacific
Railway back in 1873 - that Sir John A. was kicked out as PM. But Canadians
forgot and forgave and Sir John A. was back only 5 years later. And who comes
by with a big bribe fer Sir John, Bob. Why Lord Strath 'a course. So Sir John
gave Lord Strath tons of dough to take over the CPR.
Tell me Paddy - tell this pooor journalist - yur a great judge
of human nature. Why'd he do it, Paddy ... why'd Mulroney do it .... ???
ta' the bar bursts Peter J. McGonigle - editor of the Midnapore
Gazette - The Calgary Eye Opener's
deathly rival - sportin' in his hand - right off the press - the latest Gazette
Didn't you ta' get it wrong though - both of ya' - he's proved
he didn't do it - hisself - Mulroney hisself - wired this press
release to the Gazette - here it is - right
here - called for an inquiry - sure he wouldn't ask fer an inquiry that
if he wis guilty - he's as innocent as a new born he is - and you guys have
egg on yer faces - 'cause ya both assumed he wis guilty - before he was
proven sich.Ya didn't even put an "if" ta' it like O.J. Simpson
- ya' didn't even say "if he done it". Shame on ya' both an' I
hope he - and His Excellent and Most Honourable Lordship Lord Black sues
'ya and all yer' issue and spouses and progenitors and meestresses ...
To which Bob was tongue tied and could only spout:
To quote a countryman of mine, Sir Walter Scott ... ' oh what
a tangled web we weave.
And Paddy, for once - you could tell by lookin' at his tiny mouth that his
tongue was into a bowline knot. And he could barely expediate in the immortal
words of James Joyce:
Plot ... thicken ... thicken plot ... plot ... plot thicken.
Bob, being a Scot regains his sang fred.
Let's look upon this disaster - fer if Mulroney sues the Calgary
Eye Opener what's gone to happen to global free speech. Let's look cloosley
man an' see if we kin bring sim comtox to the sitatn'. Before retirin' Mulroney
meets with the greatest bribe monger ever - Karlheinz has bribed the toppest
- he did - he brought the German Chancellor Helmut Kohl down - then - within
weeks - Karlheinz delivers to Mulroney - in a hotel room - delivers $100,000
to him - in a brown paper bag. Does it agin' two more times. Under oath
- to collect $ 2.1 million from the Canadian government - from you Paddy
- it was from you as taxpayer - not from McGonigle - like Mulroney he don't
declare taxes - and not from me - I'm broke.
"So what," yells McGonigle.
Yer' a cynic ya' bloody Scotchman and a coonspiricy theerist.
Says Bob, cooly:
Mulroney is put under oath - swears on a bible - says he never
had anythin' ta do with yoooor bribery expert - Karlheinz - other than two
cups of coffee. Then - just recently - he admits he did get the $300,000
in cash in brown paper bags. And admits Karlheinz called him "Brian"
and he called Karlheinz "Karlheinz". Then he makes up his memories
and publishes them - and says nothin about Schreiber. And
at some time along the way everybody agrees that Karlheinz paid the $300,000
from a bank account in Switzerland code namedBritan. And where
did the money come from? To get Air Canada to buy Airbus aircraft, Airbus
set up a $20 million bribery fund with Karheinz. Karlheinz set aside $300,000
in a secret Swiss bank account code-named "Britan". And under
Brian Mulroney, who controlled Air Canada, Airbus got a contract to sell
some airplanes to Air Canada for $1.8 billion. And from whence did the $300,000
Karlheinz paid to Mulroney, via brown paper bags, come from. Why from the
secret "Bitan" account of course. And did Brian Mulroney declare
the $300,000 to the income tax department. Yes - but not till years later
when he knew the taxman'd be after 'm if he didn't. By doin' that he admitted
he got the money. It's no conspiricy, McGonigle, ya' great journalist ya',
jist a coooincidence, McGoonigle. Jist ta' shuyt ya' up, McGonigle, I'll
use the O.J. conditional when I talk about it - I'll change the question
I, before being so rudely interrupted by you, ya' brute, asked Paddy ta'
'Paddy, if he doone it, why'd he doo it?'
Paddy walked over and shook the hand of the biggest set of old Scot beetle brows I've
ever seen in my life - capped by a lengthy stove-pipe hat. To shake Bob's hand the old Scot had to remove his arm from tight around the waste of the Lady Who's Known as Lou - his other hand was taken up with a rusty old sledge hammer. And Bob introduced
him as Donald Smith, aka Lord Strathcona. Bob said the sledge hammer was the one His Excellency used to pound in the last spike of the
Canadian Pacific Railway in 1885 at Craigellachie, British Columbia - his brother-in-law,
George Steven, the President of the Railway got to name Craigellachie, after
Steven's home town in Scotland. Bob said Strathcona himself'd been chairman
and in-charge-of-hanky-panky for the Railway back in 1885.
If he did it, Your Lordship, why da ya think this fellow Irishman
of mine - why da' ya' think he did it - took a bribe.
Said his Lordship his long beard and eyebrows as motionless as the day he drove the spike:
An me too - I start all ma remarks with "IF HE DOON IT"
- I've worked too harrrd and dooon too many things to be sued by soom upstart
Irishmun and loose all my material gooods an end up back in slums of Glasca
or sooom barrrren shur in Labradooor. IF HE DOON IT, handin' oot bribe's noot
uncoomon in Canada nur is the takin' thereof. The prooblem lies with the fact
that 95% of all politicians are lousy money-managers. Their own and the taxpayers.
Moost politicians wanna be loved - whether it's because their moother didn't
love 'im or it's in their genes I do not knowww but that's the way the errrr
- 95% a them. So 95% a them are broooke - always. So Mulroney's pay at $210,000
per year wooosn't nearly enough to keep 'im in the manner to which he'd grown
accoostomed when he was a politico big shot and hobnobbed with all th ooother
big shots, tycoons and looobyists. And, in 1993, IF HE DOOON IT, why, as he's
leavin' or being kicked out by the voters - IF HE DOOON IT - he finds himsilf
broooke - and - IF HE DOOON IT - he panics - which is another trait moost
politicos have. So - IF HE DOOON IT - he goes not to wise counsel - like a
Scot like me - he goes to Fred Doucet and Frank Moores who are shady operators
- and they bring in Schreiber. That's the kinda thing that happened with Sir
John A. when I bribed him in 1885 and when Sir Hugh Allan bribed him in 1873.
That's what happened to Chump Klein and his she-who-must-be-obeyed wif when
Big Mike Lobsinger bribed them back in the 1990s. Most politicians can be
bribed - I even bribed Riel in 1870 to get 'im to surrender - it was na' supposed
to look like a surrender - but it was. Mind ya - the Roman Catholic Church
bribed him better - promised to kipp 'im out of the eternaal Hellfire.
Strathcona stretched his beetle brow over to Chief Crowfoot.
And Chief, admit it, we bribed you with a railway pass to sign
Treaty #7 to give the West away to us whitemen..
To my everlasting dishonour. My people were bribed too with food
- to make me sign Treaty 7 - with food - we were all starving in the fall
The Bush family - on the other hand - bribery is genetic in that
family - they have no morals. I don't think the same can be said for Brian
Mulroney. I see Mulroney as a decent moon who fell amoong thivs.
Then Bob piped in:
But -IF HE DOOON IT - it wasna' the first time - Mulroney and
Karlheinz Schreiber. Karlheinz got 'im the leadership of the Tory party in
1983 - Karlheinz stacked the Tory convention in Winnipeg by flyin' in delegats
from Montreal - Karlheinz dethroned Joe Clark for him.
Paddy had to barge in with:
That was fortunate. At least Mulroney has some brains. That's
what they call the law of unintended consequences what Karlheinz did in 1983
had unintended good consequences..
Strathcona slung he sledge over his shoulder, downed a bracer of Glen Parker
Scotch Whiskey and terrrminnnated his presence as follows::
But I'll sum it up this way ma friends - therrre's a moral to
the stirrry - booth for Harper - in his dealins with Mulroney - and forrr
Mulroney - in his dealins with Schreiber. And the morrral - ir - the lesson
if ya' wanna call it that - is this - 'Don't - neverrrr - get in a urrrrinatin'
contest with a skunk'. I've impirtant bisness to do befir I sleep gentlemen, so I'll bid ya' ado.
Hand-in-hand His Lordship and Lou headed upstairs.
Paddy looked very lawyerlike - you'd almost think he was defendin' Mulroney:
Let him who has nut sinned - let 'im throw the first stone. Come
here man - it was long ago - cut yer man some slack - lookit the good he doon:
- he brought us free trade - and that's deadly good for us here
in Calgary - and no one else coulda' done it
- he abolished apartheid in South Africa - and that's a deadly
good and decent thing - and no one else coulda' done it
- come here - ya know the most decent thing he did - no one
else had the guts to do it - stood up to the Federal bureaucrats (even to
this day they haven't given Mrs. Joyce Milgaard an Order of Canada) - and
got the Milgaard case reopened - no one else had the deadly guts - no one
else coulda' done it.
Come here, Bob, give yer man a break.
Mulroney's big problem, Paddy, was that his overriding ambition
was to be yer' quintessential big shot. And he loved flauntin' it. And Mr.
and Mrs. Canada hated him fer it. But Paddy - corruption'l destroy us if we
donna stand up to it, Paddy. And that requires leadership - what we need is
a leader like Peter Lougheed - in the early eighties - he told all a' his
people - not ta' have a thing ta' do with Schreiber - the man, Lougheed said,
stunk like a skunk and was one, Paddy. Compare that ta' Chump Klein and his
missis - a pooor, pooor copy a' Schreiber - Big Mike Lobsinger - bribed the
Hell outa' 'em Paddy. If our politicians - like Harper dither and stonewall
- don't put a stop to chump corruption, Paddy - we'll lose all we got in this
great country. That's it - I gotta ga' I ha a paper
And I an innocent client ta get off. Best a' the day ta' ya.
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